The Baby Business

A short while after we had finished our second round of IVF, 4 Corners on the ABC advertised an upcoming episode called the ‘Baby Business’. People were talking about it, we even had a friend text us about it in case we wanted to watch it.

We didn’t. Why watch on TV - something you have felt first hand. No thank you. I mean thanks….but no thanks.

So no surprise when a couple of nights after it aired, we decided to watch it!

Let me warn you, if you’re currently in the process or considering IVF and you are approaching 40, I will give you a heads up, this can be hard to watch. Viewing this is a little like holding a mirror to your face, reflecting your current story and could possibly end with a very heart-breaking story. For us it was a significant moment.

If you’re not in the over 40 age group but thinking you can rely on IVF later on down the track – consider this your warning!

You can watch the ‘Baby Business’ here:

https://www.abc.net.au/4corners/the-baby-business-promo/7449646

 The patients featured in this documentary are just like me. They could be me. They’re in their 40’s eating healthy organic food, downing their supplements and re-mortgaging their homes to have a child. They had been through 5+ rounds and absolutely nothing to show for it….but a lot of zero’s in their bank balance and a whole lot of heartache that cannot be healed.

These families are chasing their tails – getting one more fix – it’s almost like gambling at the pokies, I just need to do one more round – this one will pay off for sure! I know the odds are bad but the payoff is unreal! If we do it enough times we will get it. Phew! Except you’re gambling with your body, spiking it with a hormonal cocktail month after month.

The truth is they don’t provide you with the success rates when you start. Leo asked many times but never got a straight answer!

In the documentary we got the answer – wait for it…..for over 40 year olds the success rate is less than 3 % a month. A 97% chance of it not working per month!

At 12 minutes into the 4 Corners program a Professor and an early IVF pioneer- Rob Norman, claims something that I found to be true for me and could be, for a number of women in their late 30’s and early 40’s he says “…you may not need IVF in the first place and the phenomenon of the IVF treadmill is you just keep running on it and you can’t get off’.

THIS – THIS is why I believe that IVF is not right for everyone. You may not need it. I spent money, time and a hell of a lot of heartache pouring into a treatment that was not right for me. And once I got off that treadmill….I fell pregnant….naturally!

But at the time, watching this program, it was a very deep sob and a lot of sorrow that out poured from me and when I turned to look at Leo sitting next to me on the couch, I could see it was hitting him hard too.  As I sat looking at him, I felt massive guilt that I was putting him through this, you see I am 5.5 years older than him. If he was with someone his own age or younger, there was a good chance (in my mind) that he wouldn’t be dealing with this right now.

It was a massive ‘come to Jesus’ moment. A subject that had been on hold for the last month, we had not talked about ‘what next?’… but now the facts were being laid out in front of us with some very sobering statistics and a bleak outcome – for both the women on the show and for people like me watching it.

I didn’t talk to him during the program, I couldn’t and it took some courage to turn and look at him once the credits were rolling and say something. We spoke, I cried. Leo felt his suspicions about success rates were confirmed and I was in despair. I honestly thought that this could be the end of us. If I couldn’t have a child with him, was I taking away his right to have a child with someone else? Now I know that this is something that can really fire some people up...I can hear them saying, ‘Oh but if he really loves you it shouldn’t matter (with many exclamation marks following and looks of aghast expressions)... But I will throw this at you – if you really love someone shouldn’t you ‘let them be free’. Do you burden someone you love with something you cannot provide them but someone else could? Could I live with the forever guilt of holding back his own future happiness?

It’s a conundrum and that’s what we were in. A spiral of confusing thoughts that were all up in the   air and we had no idea what would spit down back at us…and who knew if we could catch the falling debris when it did eventually fall back down. It had been almost a month since our non- successful IVF round.

As they say in the documentary, at some point you need to decide when do you quit IVF?

The next morning still down about the statistics, I joined a friend on our morning walk and told her about our experience of watching the ‘Baby Business’. She was quite pregnant at this stage, prior to falling pregnant, she had always thought she would need IVF because she had a low AMI (Anti – Mullerin hormone) test results years earlier and was convinced she would have difficulty falling pregnant. (In fact she fell pregnant easily both times and has two gorgeous little girls).

Back to our walk….my friend listened to my concerns and said she had been on the phone the previous day to two of her friend’s - both who had watched the 4 Corners episode and were inconsolable. One of her friends had been trying longer than me and for her this last glimmer of hope had been smashed. She hit a new low, dreams were snuffed that night and reality crept in. (fast forward to now and she has since had a successful IVF donor egg pregnancy).

The thing is I have read and I can tell you from my own experience, that women want to try with their own eggs first, moving onto the concept of donor eggs is not a decision that is easily met. This is a decision her friend had to make after years of trying and unsuccessful IVF attempts.

To be honest, I think a lot of hearts were shattered that night from watching the “Baby Business” but maybe long term financial heartache was preserved?  Maybe it was a sucker punch we all needed to hear? Turns out that IVF for over 40’s isn’t the Holy Grail. With a 3% success rate, it’s not something we should rely on for our future. I can tell you I was never told these odds and I had no idea they were so low. Would you sign on that dotted line if you knew these odds? I don’t think I would. There is no ‘money back guarantee’ with IVF and they will take your money if you offer it and focus on the treatment rather than the odds. And I’m sure everyone one of those women that’s going against these odds, hopes they are the lucky 3%

On the night of watching the doco, we were left between a rock and a hard place - who knows maybe one day they will bring something new to the technology that can help with this? But right now the IVF Companies are owned by shareholders and are designed to make a profit back to these shareholders. Many women under 40, use IVF clinics every day to fall pregnant and a lot have been successful. I have met many a beautiful child that has come from a successful IVF round.

DISCLOSURE: I personally have frozen embryos stored, so I am not suggesting you discard the IVF process entirely and I am not saying it is NOT for you. IVF is a future option if you have tried and failed with your own eggs and want a donor egg (or sperm) or if you have frozen embryos from earlier rounds when you were both younger. But for the option for women over 40, using your own eggs, doing fresh rounds - the low stats are the stats.

In addition to this, if you are thinking you will rely on science to get you over the line in your 40’s to have your own DNA, your first port of call doesn’t have to be an IVF doctor! They are not the most reliable source of information on infertility when they have your money in their hands. IVF is not the only option for women who want to have their own child.

If you have tried everything and you are willing to use a donor egg or sperm, different scenario…..but this was not my scenario.

Too many women walk through the doors of IVF clinics without doing the research, without trying other options, without seeing if their issue is actually something that can be overcome in a different way. Do you have MTHFR? Do you have blood clots? Do you have a bacterial infection? Is the problem with your partner – not you?  If you have POCS – then treat POCS, if you have Endometriosis, don’t try to bypass it with IVF as a first option. If you have blood clots there are ways to treat this without going straight to IVF. Have you really dug into the real problem before accepting a referral to the IVF Clinic?

I feel like IVF is the first suggestion to come to mind when you haven’t fallen pregnant in your desired time frame. It shouldn’t be. Although GP’s serve a very important role in our lives and our communities, most are not specialised in fertility and writing a script to see an IVF clinic is not always the best firat option. As Professor Rob Norman claims …you may not need IVF in the first place.

I saw one GP when I was trying to conceive who told me I could only possibly fall pregnant every second month, as I only had one fallopian tube! I had to correct HER. So please take it from me to always push for what you think you need, research, ask for recommendations, referrals, question everything but most importantly – arm yourself with a reputable fertility naturopath. One who will question every aspect for you.

The outcome from watching the doco was this: we decided to park the IVF conversation and go back to basics.

So the matter was back in my hands and I dedicated everything I could to it.

I had already done all the physical hard work so now it was trying something new, I knew I had my diet right, I had all the supplements to support my egg reserve and my body was healthy. I was also getting past the Adrenal Fatigue hangover.

We upped the anti on detoxifying the house – cleaning chemicals were banished, no swimming in chlorine pools, keeping wifi at a minimum, I opened my bathroom cabinet and got rid of my expensive moisturisers and cleaners that were full of ingredients I couldn’t pronounce or spell.

I slowed down, started basic yoga and my holy grail – weeks after the documentary, I started Vedic Mediation….the icing on my fertility cupcake!

IVF expert Dr Rob Norman suggested in the Baby Business documentary that women need to understand their fertility window. I can tell you that I fell pregnant on what I thought was outside my fertility window that month. According to a Clear Blue Ovulation indicator, that window was closed two days earlier – yet somehow that was the month I fell pregnant and consequently 9 months later had a baby.

Coming up in future blogs I will touch on what a Fertility Naturopath is and what they do and why you need one in your life. when trying to conceive.

A lot more to come on this!

The Baby Business

How a 4 Corners Episode changed everything…

Moving on...from another unsuccessful IVF treatment

A lot of people have asked what happened next?

I have taken an extract from my journal that was written the night I found out our second round of IVF was unsuccessful.

Looking back over these notes I can see how I mentally managed to get past the second failed IVF and move on.

It’s a little poetic at times, with a bit of bargaining made with the universe but it was also the start of my healing process and how I was able to move forward on that night- when I had felt so close yet so far away from having my dream come to fruition.

 Journal entry extracts from the evening of Monday 21st March:

The date came with a heavy expectation. I went in to get my IVF pregnancy test today. I was extremely nervous but not sure why, I felt that I was pregnant.

They called later than promised and in that time I had had a little bit of spotting – but still no period, so I was extra nervous by the time they called. I know the ‘feeling’ of being pregnant and this along with the headaches and some strange tastes in my mouth, it gave me a slight hope.

I told the nurse this information this morning and she thought it sounded positive. That along with a Kinesiology appointment earlier in the week, made me change my approach to my thinking. I hadn’t realised I had been so negative thinking throughout this process. I had come from such an unhealthy and unwell start - yet as I was slowly getting well, my old thoughts were still following me around!

(A quick side note):

I had been out with a friend for dinner weeks earlier and I was telling her how I had gotten lost on my way to meet her (on foot in high heels) trying to find the restaurant and after parking on time but going around in circles trying to find the address, I was full of cuts and blisters on my feet. I mentioned that I hated myself and get so frustrated with my stupidity at times, that even I find myself hard to live with. She was shocked. She said ‘I have never spoken about myself in that way before’. It was a light bulb moment. I am so mean to myself, the way I talk to myself so nasty….and this was not normal apparently.

So it wasn’t surprising that the Kinesiologist was trying to heal this old hurt and pain from relationships past. She said that I had to give myself the ‘path of least resistance’.  (See images on this blog post for the wording she supplied me, that I read over and over again when I found myself overthinking at this time).

She also told me that I need to slow down. That all I do is rush, rush, rush everywhere, always pushing time limits and boundaries to get everything done in one day. She said it’s exhausting and not very inviting for a baby to come into this environment.

I sometimes wonder if my Adrenal Fatigue was my body’s way of telling me to slow down?That my body wasn’t able to keep up with my ‘busy’ pace all the time. It was like ‘oh you are not learning to slow down – well I will teach you a lesson there my pretty!’ (I can imagine this being said by the voice of the wicked witch of the west for some reason).

Ok - back to the day of the IVF dreaded phone call, this was what I wrote on the evening of that call:

It was 1.24pm when a nurse called Tanya called me and straight away I knew from her voice that it was bad news. At that moment and even right now I am confused by the news. I did everything this time, I followed the diet, I did a series of acupuncture, I took the Bondi Protocol and did injections and lived a stressful period on steroids that were taken to make me feel calmer. I haven’t had any issues with reflux, awful cramps or twinges like last time. I meditated with positive affirmations, I really felt I had done enough.

In some way that I don’t know or understand I haven’t done enough. Something somewhere has not come together and I was told that the pregnancy test was negative. But I have very high progesterone which is why I don’t have my period yet. So I am sitting here with sore boobs, sore teeth, headaches and no period, but no baby. No baby. No future baby this time round. I feel like all that hope has to go somewhere? I put so much positive energy and thought and time into the process that I feel like I have lost time. 2 weeks of my life that I can never get back.

The only soften of the blow is that I have 2 frozen embryos. This means that they can do PGD (pre-implantation genetic) testing and see if they can find anything in my embryo that could explain what’s going on. If they are good – then I have another chance without going through the whole process next time.

The pro’s of doing this:

Money - it doesn’t cost as much as we are not going through the full cycle from scratch

Time – we don’t need to go through the full stim process, I can go into the transfer fresh and healthy minded. I don’t have to do it off the back of a transfer operation, recuperation and off the back off two stressful weeks of testing and drugs etc. It also means I don’t have to do it off the back of a body full of estrogen or nasty drugs they use to put me under in the process.

I am hoping that they are good healthy embryos and that I might be one of those people where my body prefers a frozen embryo.

I really want to use my own eggs! I want to be a mother and a parent to my own children, my own flesh and blood, my genes, my body and my personality and heritage with Leo’s. I want to have a family but I want it to be our family. I love genetics and the process of life and the small miracles in life. I want my own miracle, our miracle of life, with the genetic possibilities endless. The chances of it all happening are so slim though.

I know we can offer children a loving life, full of opportunities, full of nature, kisses, health, food, life and support. I would like the universe to give me that opportunity, to give us that opportunity. I believe we have gotten closer to our dream and I believe there is enough good stuff there for it to happen.

When I went to see the nurses for the blood test today, the nurse was super impressed by my having 12 eggs fertilised. Surely she would see enough people to not be surprised or feign surprise if that wasn’t the truth? I am looking at where I am now to last time and overall it is a better result. I have high progesterone, so clearly that isn’t an issue. I had a large amount of eggs both times, so I have a high egg reserve. I also had a lot of mature eggs get to fertilisation this time. I had 3 healthy eggs. Last time it was one. I also have 2 high quality frozen embryos. We also now have the option to have these tested.

I want to take a month or two off so that I can absorb this, see the Kinesologist to help me and my body, so I can let go of the hope of this baby and prepare for the next one... I believe there is a little more sadness to let go of and being able to look forward to a new pregnancy. I also think my Endometriosis should be looked at. And I should slow down. I know my body wants to rest.

I wasn’t even told how to ween off the Bondi Protocol or if any HCG was present. I feel like this door was just rudely shut and I was too gobsmacked to ask any questions and the door closed so quickly I didn’t get a chance.

So I am angry. I am pissed and sad. But it’s 9.17pm and I haven’t sat here and bawled as hard as last time. I thought I would be sad whilst I wrote this but instead I seem to be writing a new plan in my head. Originally I wanted to come home and eat the naughtiest thing I could find. Or have a drink or have done something which could say to the world – FUCK YOU. But I didn’t. I came home and ate a healthy simple dinner. I ate superfood chocolate, drank water and a herbal tea. So no real rebellion here!

I do want to call my naturopath and relax the supplements and the hard core food diary but to be honest it is a way of life now. I guess that’s what I have learnt, I am actually choosing to eat this way and I’m choosing to live a quieter life. I want to spend time on my own. I want to relax and sit and watch TV, Pinterest, do mindful colouring- in and read and write. Maybe this is a way to push me to write again? And read again?

It is also teaching me to slow down. It is also making me look at my interests and reassess what activities make me happy? How can I find joy in my life in new ways? Finding new ways of happiness and a new career before a baby comes. So I am content with my life and who I am as a person by the time baby comes. I want to learn how to deal with stress through meditation, healthy living, recuperation and enjoying the small things. All things I wanted to do 3 years ago but never did. Now the universe has pushed me against being ‘busy’.

So where to from here?

I am going to do yoga once a week, I think I can give it another go if I find the right class. I also want to cook thoughtful meals and explore my community and surroundings. I will continue with kinesiology – learning what my body wants and ways to heal it, to listen to it and do what it asks. I am going to tell myself I am young and to believe in and trust the process and work more on the ‘law of least effort’. Because I believe that’s what I need. To stop trying so hard and just let it happen. I know it can happen and will happen. I also believe in ‘flow’ and I am asking the universe to give me and support me to flow more in everyday life, pregnancy and parenthood.

I have realised I need to slow down and not just for health. But for balance. I also want to find more things that make me tick.

Last time I was locked in fear, this time I am keen to move forward to whatever ‘may be’.

I have confidence that this cycle was better than the last and that I can improve on that. I can get calmer, healthier and happier.

But now it is about finding joy (on my own). I know I have come a long way but I think I can do more in my internal dialogue. I have started to speak to myself nicer but I know that I am only a beginner in this space and there is room for me to grow.

Since the last 6 months I have more inner strength, I have the ability to pick myself up and be positive again. I have the ability to be clear about my intentions and not blame or look into the past. I am living in the right now. I am expressing how I feel and I know I will be able to move forward from here. I will be accepting and willing for the universe to support us in our next moves. I have faith and hope and know that I am still in the journey and I am learning throughout the process.

That is the end of the journal note that night.

So did I do any of those things?

I never went back to the Kinesiologist or the acupuncturist.

I didn’t ever hear back from the IVF clinic about the weaning off the Bondi Protocol or what to do next with our 2 frozen embryo’s….

My Endometriosis was never looked into

I did call my naturopath and she didn’t slow down my supplements – she increased them! She took my treatment to the next level and tweaked every element of my life.

I did find a yoga place that suited me better and I did do it for a short while.

I did slow down.

I started reading ‘Mastering Your Mean Girl’ by Melissa Ambrosini and became aware of my negative thoughts

And….. I was made redundant a couple of weeks after I wrote this journal entry!

I actually almost laughed when it happened. It was like – OK universe you’re closing the curtains on every element of my life here – what are you doing? And can you PLEASE just STOP!!

But as the affirmations on Pinterest say, the closing of one door is usually the opening of another and one with bigger possibilities…..but you need to be sure that the past door is fully closed….

There was one other thing that happened before I started the Vedic Meditation course, that stopped our IVF crusade in it tracks!

It was a 4 Corners program called “The Baby Business”….

It was the program that made sure that the IVF door was fully closed.

More of that in my next Blog Post!