Moving on...from another unsuccessful IVF treatment

A lot of people have asked what happened next?

I have taken an extract from my journal that was written the night I found out our second round of IVF was unsuccessful.

Looking back over these notes I can see how I mentally managed to get past the second failed IVF and move on.

It’s a little poetic at times, with a bit of bargaining made with the universe but it was also the start of my healing process and how I was able to move forward on that night- when I had felt so close yet so far away from having my dream come to fruition.

 Journal entry extracts from the evening of Monday 21st March:

The date came with a heavy expectation. I went in to get my IVF pregnancy test today. I was extremely nervous but not sure why, I felt that I was pregnant.

They called later than promised and in that time I had had a little bit of spotting – but still no period, so I was extra nervous by the time they called. I know the ‘feeling’ of being pregnant and this along with the headaches and some strange tastes in my mouth, it gave me a slight hope.

I told the nurse this information this morning and she thought it sounded positive. That along with a Kinesiology appointment earlier in the week, made me change my approach to my thinking. I hadn’t realised I had been so negative thinking throughout this process. I had come from such an unhealthy and unwell start - yet as I was slowly getting well, my old thoughts were still following me around!

(A quick side note):

I had been out with a friend for dinner weeks earlier and I was telling her how I had gotten lost on my way to meet her (on foot in high heels) trying to find the restaurant and after parking on time but going around in circles trying to find the address, I was full of cuts and blisters on my feet. I mentioned that I hated myself and get so frustrated with my stupidity at times, that even I find myself hard to live with. She was shocked. She said ‘I have never spoken about myself in that way before’. It was a light bulb moment. I am so mean to myself, the way I talk to myself so nasty….and this was not normal apparently.

So it wasn’t surprising that the Kinesiologist was trying to heal this old hurt and pain from relationships past. She said that I had to give myself the ‘path of least resistance’.  (See images on this blog post for the wording she supplied me, that I read over and over again when I found myself overthinking at this time).

She also told me that I need to slow down. That all I do is rush, rush, rush everywhere, always pushing time limits and boundaries to get everything done in one day. She said it’s exhausting and not very inviting for a baby to come into this environment.

I sometimes wonder if my Adrenal Fatigue was my body’s way of telling me to slow down?That my body wasn’t able to keep up with my ‘busy’ pace all the time. It was like ‘oh you are not learning to slow down – well I will teach you a lesson there my pretty!’ (I can imagine this being said by the voice of the wicked witch of the west for some reason).

Ok - back to the day of the IVF dreaded phone call, this was what I wrote on the evening of that call:

It was 1.24pm when a nurse called Tanya called me and straight away I knew from her voice that it was bad news. At that moment and even right now I am confused by the news. I did everything this time, I followed the diet, I did a series of acupuncture, I took the Bondi Protocol and did injections and lived a stressful period on steroids that were taken to make me feel calmer. I haven’t had any issues with reflux, awful cramps or twinges like last time. I meditated with positive affirmations, I really felt I had done enough.

In some way that I don’t know or understand I haven’t done enough. Something somewhere has not come together and I was told that the pregnancy test was negative. But I have very high progesterone which is why I don’t have my period yet. So I am sitting here with sore boobs, sore teeth, headaches and no period, but no baby. No baby. No future baby this time round. I feel like all that hope has to go somewhere? I put so much positive energy and thought and time into the process that I feel like I have lost time. 2 weeks of my life that I can never get back.

The only soften of the blow is that I have 2 frozen embryos. This means that they can do PGD (pre-implantation genetic) testing and see if they can find anything in my embryo that could explain what’s going on. If they are good – then I have another chance without going through the whole process next time.

The pro’s of doing this:

Money - it doesn’t cost as much as we are not going through the full cycle from scratch

Time – we don’t need to go through the full stim process, I can go into the transfer fresh and healthy minded. I don’t have to do it off the back of a transfer operation, recuperation and off the back off two stressful weeks of testing and drugs etc. It also means I don’t have to do it off the back of a body full of estrogen or nasty drugs they use to put me under in the process.

I am hoping that they are good healthy embryos and that I might be one of those people where my body prefers a frozen embryo.

I really want to use my own eggs! I want to be a mother and a parent to my own children, my own flesh and blood, my genes, my body and my personality and heritage with Leo’s. I want to have a family but I want it to be our family. I love genetics and the process of life and the small miracles in life. I want my own miracle, our miracle of life, with the genetic possibilities endless. The chances of it all happening are so slim though.

I know we can offer children a loving life, full of opportunities, full of nature, kisses, health, food, life and support. I would like the universe to give me that opportunity, to give us that opportunity. I believe we have gotten closer to our dream and I believe there is enough good stuff there for it to happen.

When I went to see the nurses for the blood test today, the nurse was super impressed by my having 12 eggs fertilised. Surely she would see enough people to not be surprised or feign surprise if that wasn’t the truth? I am looking at where I am now to last time and overall it is a better result. I have high progesterone, so clearly that isn’t an issue. I had a large amount of eggs both times, so I have a high egg reserve. I also had a lot of mature eggs get to fertilisation this time. I had 3 healthy eggs. Last time it was one. I also have 2 high quality frozen embryos. We also now have the option to have these tested.

I want to take a month or two off so that I can absorb this, see the Kinesologist to help me and my body, so I can let go of the hope of this baby and prepare for the next one... I believe there is a little more sadness to let go of and being able to look forward to a new pregnancy. I also think my Endometriosis should be looked at. And I should slow down. I know my body wants to rest.

I wasn’t even told how to ween off the Bondi Protocol or if any HCG was present. I feel like this door was just rudely shut and I was too gobsmacked to ask any questions and the door closed so quickly I didn’t get a chance.

So I am angry. I am pissed and sad. But it’s 9.17pm and I haven’t sat here and bawled as hard as last time. I thought I would be sad whilst I wrote this but instead I seem to be writing a new plan in my head. Originally I wanted to come home and eat the naughtiest thing I could find. Or have a drink or have done something which could say to the world – FUCK YOU. But I didn’t. I came home and ate a healthy simple dinner. I ate superfood chocolate, drank water and a herbal tea. So no real rebellion here!

I do want to call my naturopath and relax the supplements and the hard core food diary but to be honest it is a way of life now. I guess that’s what I have learnt, I am actually choosing to eat this way and I’m choosing to live a quieter life. I want to spend time on my own. I want to relax and sit and watch TV, Pinterest, do mindful colouring- in and read and write. Maybe this is a way to push me to write again? And read again?

It is also teaching me to slow down. It is also making me look at my interests and reassess what activities make me happy? How can I find joy in my life in new ways? Finding new ways of happiness and a new career before a baby comes. So I am content with my life and who I am as a person by the time baby comes. I want to learn how to deal with stress through meditation, healthy living, recuperation and enjoying the small things. All things I wanted to do 3 years ago but never did. Now the universe has pushed me against being ‘busy’.

So where to from here?

I am going to do yoga once a week, I think I can give it another go if I find the right class. I also want to cook thoughtful meals and explore my community and surroundings. I will continue with kinesiology – learning what my body wants and ways to heal it, to listen to it and do what it asks. I am going to tell myself I am young and to believe in and trust the process and work more on the ‘law of least effort’. Because I believe that’s what I need. To stop trying so hard and just let it happen. I know it can happen and will happen. I also believe in ‘flow’ and I am asking the universe to give me and support me to flow more in everyday life, pregnancy and parenthood.

I have realised I need to slow down and not just for health. But for balance. I also want to find more things that make me tick.

Last time I was locked in fear, this time I am keen to move forward to whatever ‘may be’.

I have confidence that this cycle was better than the last and that I can improve on that. I can get calmer, healthier and happier.

But now it is about finding joy (on my own). I know I have come a long way but I think I can do more in my internal dialogue. I have started to speak to myself nicer but I know that I am only a beginner in this space and there is room for me to grow.

Since the last 6 months I have more inner strength, I have the ability to pick myself up and be positive again. I have the ability to be clear about my intentions and not blame or look into the past. I am living in the right now. I am expressing how I feel and I know I will be able to move forward from here. I will be accepting and willing for the universe to support us in our next moves. I have faith and hope and know that I am still in the journey and I am learning throughout the process.

That is the end of the journal note that night.

So did I do any of those things?

I never went back to the Kinesiologist or the acupuncturist.

I didn’t ever hear back from the IVF clinic about the weaning off the Bondi Protocol or what to do next with our 2 frozen embryo’s….

My Endometriosis was never looked into

I did call my naturopath and she didn’t slow down my supplements – she increased them! She took my treatment to the next level and tweaked every element of my life.

I did find a yoga place that suited me better and I did do it for a short while.

I did slow down.

I started reading ‘Mastering Your Mean Girl’ by Melissa Ambrosini and became aware of my negative thoughts

And….. I was made redundant a couple of weeks after I wrote this journal entry!

I actually almost laughed when it happened. It was like – OK universe you’re closing the curtains on every element of my life here – what are you doing? And can you PLEASE just STOP!!

But as the affirmations on Pinterest say, the closing of one door is usually the opening of another and one with bigger possibilities…..but you need to be sure that the past door is fully closed….

There was one other thing that happened before I started the Vedic Meditation course, that stopped our IVF crusade in it tracks!

It was a 4 Corners program called “The Baby Business”….

It was the program that made sure that the IVF door was fully closed.

More of that in my next Blog Post!