Write about IVF Cycle 1
IVF Cycle Two:
Monday 21st March – the date came with a heavy expectation. I went in to get my IVF pregnancy test. I was extremely nervous and not sure why, I felt that I was pregnant.
They called later than I was promised and in that time I had had a little bit of spotting – a bit more than previous days but still no period, so I was extra nervous by the time they called.
Meanwhile I still had sore boobs and teeth which I had with my last pregnancy a month ago. I know the feeling of being pregnant and this along with the headaches and some strange tastes in my mouth at times gave me a slight hope.
I told the nurse this morning and she thought it sounded positive. That along with a kinesologist appointment earlier in the week who had said my baby was there and had a message for me ( – and all my statisics came up with a 2 within the percentage - which she said was 2 as in mum and baby. The two of us). She told me to talk to the baby and that it had implanted. I believed her and I still think she got messages from my body that must’ve given some accuracy as she healed my mind in my gut. I felt much calmer after seeing her and confident. She told me the baby asked for the path of least resistance. I had a tummy pain that day and the first sign of a bit of spotting.
Of all times to go to a Hen’s night it was that weekend. As I was feeling somewhat positive that I was….positive I didn’t drink (as I had’nt been for more than a year now) I was really tired after the Hens, so I took it really easy on Sunday morning. I was encouraged to rest as this is what the baby wanted and needed.
So at 1.24pm today a nurse called Tanya called me and straight away I knew from her voice that it was bad news. At that moment and even right now I am confused by the news. I did everything this time, I followed the diet, I did a series of acupuncture, I took the Bondi Protocol and did injections and lived a stressful period on steroids which made my body feel so much calmer. After the 5 days of inplantation I didn’t feel much at all. I had terrible sleeps and night trips to the toilet but other than that it was quite peaceful. I haven’t had any issues with reflux or awful cramps or twinges. I believe it prob did it’s job and supported me along with kinesiology to calm my mind throughout the process. I meditataed and did postitive affirmations and I really felt I had done enough.
In some way that I don’t know or understand I haven’t done enough. Something somewhere has not come together and I was told that the pregnancy test was negative. But I have very high progesterone which is why I don’t have my period yet. So I am sitting here with sore boobs, sore teeth, headaches and no period, but no baby. No baby. No future baby this time round. I feel like all that hope has to go somewhere? I put so much positive energy and thought and time into the process that I feel like I have lost my time. I have lost 2 weeks of my life that I can never get back. The only soften of the blow is that I have 2 frozen embryo’s. This means that they can do PGA testing and see if they can find anything in my embryo that could explain what’s going on. If they are good – then I have another chance without going through the whole process next time.
The pro’s of this is: money, it doesn’t cost as much. Time – we don’t need to go through the full stim process, I can go into the transfer fresh and healthy minded. I don’t have to do it off the back of a transfer operation, recuperation and off the back off two stressful weeks of testing and drugs etc. It also means I don’t have to do it off the back of a body full of estrogen. I am hoping that they are good healthy embryos and that I might be one of those people that body prefers a frozen embryo.
I really want to use my own eggs. I want to be a mother and a parent to my own children, my own flesh and blood, my genes, my body and my personality and my heritage with Leo’s. I want to have a family but I want it to be our family. I love genetics and the process of life and the small miracles in life. I want my own miracle, our miracle of life and I truly believe that all babies that are born healthy are miracles. The chances of it all happeneing are so slim, with the genetic possibilities endless.
I have been told that I have an amazing energy, that I am a positive person, that I am empathetic, that I am loving and well loved. People think I am a good person and that Leo and I make a good couple. I believe we can have a great, beautiful family and raise some very loving, sweet children and I would really like to see that happen. I know we can offer children a loving life, full of opportunities, full of nature, kisses, health, food, life and support. I would like the universe to give me that opportunity, to give us that opportunity. I believe we have gotten closer to our dream and I believe there is enough good stuff there to get it to happen.
When I went to the nurses today, the nurse was super impressed by me having 12 eggs fertalised She would see enough people to not be surprised or feign surprise if that wasn’t the truth. I am looking at where I am now to last time and it is a better result. I have high progesteorone, so clearly that isn’t an issue. I had a large amount of eggs both times, so I have a high egg reserve. I also had a lot of mature eggs, get to fertalisation. I also had 3 very healthy eggs this time. I also have 2 frozen of high quality. We also now have the option to have these tested.
We also know that the Bondi Protocol helped me with some elements based on my bodys reaction this time to last time – if it works is up to Manny but I believe it prob did.
I now have to wait to speak to Manny and see when they can do the testing and what the other next steps are. I have an appointment with Gabriella on Wed and will see what changes I can make with supplements – I am sick of taking so many and wouldn’t mind resting some whilst looking at PGA options.
I want to take a month or two off so that I can absorb this, see Geraldine/Jodie to help the body let go of this baby and prepare for the next one. I feel like that session with Geraldine may have been close to getting rid of the bodies memory of previous trauma and sadness. I believe there is a little more sadness to let go of and being able to look forward to a new pregnancy. I also think the Endo should be looked at. I can rest as per Geraldine’s recommendation, she thinks Endo is a result of running around doing too much. I can relate to that. I know my body wants to rest.
The first eclipse of the year happened on the 8th March. That was the day of my transfer. It was off the back of two moons – which helps manifest things that you have been working on since last Sept. Last Sept was my first IVF cycle. It said everything was going to manifest to this date and if you have really wanted something this was your time. However the eclipse was going to give you something ‘one door opens but another door closes’. I was trying to work out what that second door was. Well the date for the second door was the 23rd March and here I am on the 21st March with that door just slammed on my face – with no reason and no offer of help. I wasn’t even told how to ween off the Bondi Protocol or if any HCG was present. I feel like it was rudely shut and I was too gobsmacked to ask any questions and the door closed so quickly I didn’t get a chance.
So I am angry. I am pissed and sad. But it’s 9.17pm and I haven’t sat here and bawled like last time. I have spoken to Leo and he will be home in an hour. I thought I would be sad whilst I wrote this but I have already thought out what I was going to say before I wrote this. Originally I wanted to come home and eat the naughtiest thing I could find. Or have a drink or have done something which could say to the world – FUCK YOU. But I didn’t. I came home and ate some corn chips that were a bit stale but organic. Then I made chicken with peanut butter and steamed vegtables. I ate superfood chocolate and water and a herbal tea. So no real rebellion here really.
I want to relax the supplements a little and the food a little but to be honest it is a way of life in a way. I guess that’s what I have leant I am choosing to eat this way, I am choosing to live a quieter life. I want to spend time on my own. I am wanting to relax and sit and watch tv, pinterest, colouring in and reading and writing. Maybe this is a way to push me to write again? And read again?
It is also teaching me to slow down. It is also making me look at my interests and reassess what activities make me happy? How can I find joy in my life in new ways? Finding new ways of happiness and a new career before baby comes. So I am content with my life and who I am as a person by the time baby comes. I learn to deal with stress through meditation, healthy living, recuperation and enjoying the small things. All things I wanted to do 3 years ago but never did. Now the universe has pushed me against my busy will to do these things.
So where to from here?
I am going to go back to Barre Body. I am also going to do yoga once a week - now that I have learnt how to mediatate and the reason behind it, I think I can give it another go if I find the right class. I also want to cook thoughtful meals and explore my community and surroundings. I will continue with kinesiology – learning what my body wants and ways to heal it, to listen to it and do what it asks. I will read ‘Women Goddess’ book so that I realise I am young and my body very able to carry a baby. To believe in and trust the process and work more on the law of least effort. Because I believe that’s what I need. To stop trying so hard and just let it happen. I know it can happen and will happen. I also believe in ‘flow’ and I am asking the universe to give me and support me to flow more in every day life, pregnancy and parenthood.
Elephant Journal had this to say today in a post about the second moon eclipse:
Now, here we are, on the brink of the cherry on top of this recent cycle—the Lunar Eclipse. Mercury is involved here too, tightly conjunct the Sun in Aries (opposite the Libra Moon), and Uranus is also conjunct the Sun by sign in Aries. In some way, this Lunar Eclipse in Libra is the period at the end of the sentence. It is not the end of the book (although for some of us, something major enough may be culminating for it to feel like that!), but there is definitely value in a moment of pause at this time to look around and see what was unearthed, rebirthed, or cycled away in these past months. The sign of Libra is known for her focus on balance, harmony, beauty and friendship.
So what was unearthed? I found meditation again and made it a habit and I think it did help. I also started positive affirmations and I have seen some signs from the universe that it is supporting me. I am stronger because I know that the universe is supporting me – that the future will be amazing no matter what it has in store for me. I also believe that I am calmer overall, despite the drugs I was on I as realitively calm considering what I went through and the edginess it made me feel.
I have realised I need to slow down and not just for health. But for balance. I also want to find more things that make me tick. This is something I can work on in the coming months – do some writing and some courses and look into public speaking and eventully change careers. I feel this is the first bit of clarity I have had in a while when it comes to future employment. I don’t know where or how yet but that could come thorugh this process.
I have also looked for help to better health. I am now eating well but in addition I am helping my mind and soon I will be exercising again. I think I have found some motivation again. Last time I was locked in fear, this time I am keen to move forward to whatever that may be.
Cycled – well clearly that was the IVF but this cycle was an improvement on last cycle. I have confidence that I can improve again. I can get calmer, healthier and happier.
Friendships - I feel like these have blossomed in recent weeks, I haven’t had to go out and party but people are connecting and that is what I need right now. To know I have friends but not to have to get too invested just now. I can continue to be inward focus but still have a connection to the outside and feel supported without having to give anything of myself.
When we have an Eclipse on the Libra-Aries Axis, we are essentially being asked to look at “I” versus “We.”
Where do we end and others begin? How are we balancing our needs and wants with those of others?
Mercury always highlights communication. What is our inner dialogue? How do we communicate with Self? Are our thoughts and words that we share with ourself and others in alignment with what we most want?
Well this part is what I have been working on and what Geraldine suggested I continue to do – work on me, be inwards, balancing my needs versus getting plenty of rest and finding joy (on my own). I know I have come a long way but I think I can do more in the space of internal dialogue. I have started to speak to myself nicer but I know that I am only a begininer in this space and there is room for me to grow in this space.
I did mirror work when I got home and spoke to the universe about my sadness and grief and then my positivity and hope for the future. I believe that this is why I feel ok tonight (of course I am shaky) but I look at myself this time compared to last time and I know I have grown in that time. I have more inner strength, I have the ability to pick myself up and be positive again. I have the ability to be clear about my intentions and not blame or look into the past. I am living in the right now. I am expressing how I feel and I know I will be able to move forward from here. I will be accepting and willing for the universe to support us in our next moves. I have faith and hope and know that I am still in the journey and I am learning throughout the process.