My journey as a solo mama….all started when at 37yrs old I had yet another relationship end abruptly. I was really upset, even though I knew deep down he wasn’t the right guy for me. My business and life mentor Lynn said to me, “It’s not so much the man you’re upset about, it’s the future you could have had, that’s vanished.” She was so right. I really wanted that happily ever after fairy tale that bloody Disney sold us from a young age.
How I made my decision to be a solo mum
After I pulled myself together, I thought, “Fuck it! I’m sick of waiting around for the right guy, I’ll just have a baby on my own!”
Mind you, I had zero idea how I was going to do this, BUT I knew I would do it somehow.
I started to discuss different options with Lynn and another mentor of mine. Adoption was out of the question due to my age and the fact that it costs so much. Fostering was also mentioned and I even found an Australia website with guys who were also looking to have kids and wanted to co-parent with someone. Not necessarily to be in a relationship with the woman, but like me, they really wanted to have a child and hadn’t found there forever partner yet. I really seriously looked at that as an option.
Roughly 4yrs earlier, I’d met a guy online who lived in the USA. Let’s call him T. We became friends and would email each other 2-3 times a week. Modern day version of a pen pal I guess. I had mentioned to him my plan of having a baby and we were discussing my options. A few emails back and forth and he said ‘Wow, a good option would just be to find someone to donate to the cause.' I agreed and jokingly replied, ‘Well these people aren’t lining up at my door, so if you know of anyone, feel free to give them my number.’
Reading his reply email a few days later, my jaw hit the floor and I had to re-read it half a dozen times. I called my best friend and said ‘Holy crap, I think T just offered to donate to help me have a baby!!!’ Whaaaaaaaat! Who does that??? I sent an email back with a bit of a joke and then asked if that was ‘seriously something he would consider doing?. He said ‘Well, I told you I always wanted to have another child, and this might be my only option as well, so I don’t see why not.’
My jaw dropped again. We spent the next 10 months discussing options. In that time I had many, ‘what am I doing? / do I really want a child?’ moment’s.
I had to stop and think, ok, if I got to the end of my life and this is something I didn’t do, would I be laying on my death bed filled with regret. For me the answer was a big YES!
At the same time T and I were discussing things, my friends and I were planning a trip to the USA for her 40th birthday.No one else was really doing much planning, so I took it upon myself to work out roughly when I would be ovulating and made sure I was going to be visiting him at that time. The rest of the trip was planned around that time frame. I had said to T, let’s keep this as an option but be open and understanding that we both may meet someone else before I get there. Then it came time to tell my family………I really didn’t know how this plan would be received. I had to let them know that this isn’t something I thought of the day before and now doing, this is something that I have been thinking about for the last few years and if I don’t at least try, then I would regret it. To my surprise and relief they were 100% supportive and have been ever since.
The trip was planned, the girls and I flew to LA, down to San Diego, over to Las Vegas, Miami, New York. They all headed home and I flew down to spend time with T.
I was nervous but somehow I knew everything would be ok.
Before I left to the US, I had been eating really healthy and exercising. I was in the best shape I’d been, for a really long time. My thoughts were, if it doesn’t happen, then it’s not to do with my health, it will be an age thing. We got along great, and over the 8 days I was there, I took every opportunity I could get to get this baby making deal done. He wooed me and I totally fell for him. He took me away up to Northern Georgia to a cabin in the woods for 3 days which was beautiful. By the end of the 3 days up there I had told him that I loved him. We talked about what we would do if I was pregnant and all the details. By the time I was flying out, he told me he loved me too.
I flew home and pretty much knew I was pregnant but didn’t want to get my hopes up. My breasts had exploded which had all my friends wondering. As soon as I could take the test I did and the line was so faint. I sent a picture to my best friend - a nurse and said ‘the box says, even if the line is faint, you can assume you’re pregnant.' She rang me all excited within minutes, ‘Rina, I think it’s safe to say, you’re knocked up love!’ We squealed with excitement. I called T at his work (it also happened to be Father’s Day in the US that day). 'Happy Father’s Day baby, I’m pregnant!!' He was also excited.
I made an appointment with my doctor and she also confirmed it was a positive test. Honestly I didn’t know what to say, of course I was excited, but this is something I didn’t think would happen and had been in planning for 10 months. Now it was real and it was a little overwhelming.
Then came the planning to have a baby part!
I have to say I was pretty calm about it all. I asked my doctor if there was any specific books I need to read or things I needed to know. She said “Rina, your body knows what to do, women give birth every day. If there is something specific you want to know, then look it up but don’t get bogged down in that stuff.’ Best advice ever!
I read bits and pieces but not too much and I didn’t want to hear anyone’s horror birth stories. I didn’t need anyone else's negative stories impacting on my head space. I told a few close friends who were aware of the original plan. Other than that, I didn’t announce it till I was 16wks pregnant. I wanted to have that bit of extra time just in case anything happened. My pregnancy went really well, no morning sickness as such, only a bit of dry reaching when brushing my teeth and one pretty epic projectile vomit due to motion sickness from a car ride (I made it out of the car just in time). Other than that, a few cravings in the first and third trimester.
On the 12th February 2012, 8 days early, my waters broke while I was standing at the kitchen bench after a client had just left my home. Thankfully I had a girlfriend of mine Amanda with me at the time. We called the hospital, made the trip down there, my mentor Lynn also arrived and 6 ¼ hrs later my healthy baby boy was born at 12:15am on the 13th February. I opted for a water birth and apart from a little gas at the start (until the midwife took it off me for not pushing hard enough) I was able to birth drug free as per my birth plan. My midwife was incredible, even though she took the gas off me!
T arrived on the 21st which was the actual due date but was only able to spend 8 days with us. It was sad when he left but I just got on with doing, what I needed to do. Since then we have been to the USA once and he came out when our son turned one. We got engaged after his first birthday party which I was so excited about. However things quickly changed and after five months of being engaged I ended the relationship. It was tough, but I knew it was the right thing to do. There was ‘stuff’, BIG stuff and I couldn’t push it aside anymore and go against my own integrity just to be with my son’s daddy. That would not have made for a happy life for any of us.
When I spoke to my dad and told him the relationship was over, he said ‘Well, plan 'A' was to have a baby, plan ‘A’ changed to plan ‘B’ and you got engaged. Unfortunately plan ‘B’ didn’t work out, so your simply back to plan ‘A’. You’ve got your son and that’s what you wanted all along.' Wise words from my dear old dad. My whole family has been unbelievably supportive of my son and I and I am so grateful for that. Raising my son on my own has been easy in some ways and not at all easy in others. I have no family close by, so getting some time out isn’t always possible. I do have amazing friends who come to the rescue when needed though.
What is easy is for me is not having to run everything by another person, we just get on with it and try to have as much fun as we can. Yes, I’m tired, but it’s a different kind of tired. Yes, I get lonely sometimes. I’ve dated a bit, but so far none of them have met my son. The right man will come along and he will be the right fit for us. Until this man shows himself, I refuse to parade a line of unsuitable men through my son’s life.
Yes, we’ve had challenges, my son has had many allergies since he was little and that alone has been such a journey. The silver lining to that is that we have learnt so much about health over the years. His allergies have lessened over time but there some are still there. He is such a trooper and so healthy with the most amazing immune system. I ended up with chronic fatigue and Adrenal fatigue 3 years ago which was complete rubbish. I wasn’t bed ridden but it was really tough to function, my brain was mush, my memory not there and I would pretty much fall asleep whenever I sat down for more than 5 minutes. Thankfully with the right help and herbs from my naturopath I slowly got better.
I’ve been self-employed the whole time and 2 years ago in 2017, I went back to study and completely change direction with my career. I was and still am a Professional Hair and Makeup Artist and now a qualified and practising Neuro Linguistic Kinesiologist and Reiki Master. There have been challenges along the way, such as the year we had to move house, my son started school, his dad came for a visit after not seeing him for 3 years and I was studying Kinesiology - it was an interesting but very difficult time.
Looking back, it’s been wild ride but also the most amazing thing I have ever done. My son is now 7, started Grade 2 at school and is the most beautiful, thoughtful, heart centred little man I know. He has such a gentle soul and I am truly blessed he chose me to be his mummy.
Whatever the direction you take, I truly do wish you all the best with your journey to parenthood.
Love and Light,
Rina